The End of My Undergraduate Studies

Hello!

It has been a while since I last wrote something on this "blog". As you can see by the title of this post, I have come a long way since I started this "blog"!! I am so excited but scared. It felt so odd to end of my potential last term at University of Toronto in an abrupt way due to the Covid-19 situation that is occurring at the moment. I remember some of my thoughts and feelings on what was my last day physically being on campus for class (Thursday March 12). Technically I was supposed to go to my physics tutorial (elective class) on the 13th, but I was too scared to leave my house since I felt that the covid was serious, and wasn't willing to transit just for a quiz that was worth 2% of my mark. I was doing really well in that elective already so I wasn't too desperate for little marks.

I hate how I didn't really get to end my undergraduate in the way that I expected it to be. I wanted to have that last class where the professor would say their last words, and the final applause filled with excitement but also a feeling of bittersweetness since the next time you'll see the professor and classmates, it will be in the final exam room. I miss my classmates even though I don't talk to them. I still have some money on my tcard that I didnt get to use (and probably will not be able to before it expires) since I didn't expect to not have to print my statistics slides ever again. I have some regret over not building the courage to order from the popular Chinese food truck that was located in front of Lash Miller earlier. I ordered from there for the first time on the Wednesday (11th of March). I got really lucky since I only had a few people ahead of me before ordering. This truck always had a long line. Even though my wait ended up being 15 minutes, it was well worth it. I ordered the fried yellow noodles with beef and it tasted PHENOMENAL. I wish I ordered from there more often...I even remember having the thought of ordering from them again on the day of my convocation lol.

I made this silly goal that I never really got to fulfil in the end. Somewhere in the end of my first year, I wanted to basically study/experience being in every single library that uoft had to offer. I know they had more than 20, but I only ever went to Robarts, Gerstein, physics library, math library, and earth sciences library. I guess that won't ever happen since I won't be studying at uoft anymore.

Honestly it felt so weird to just transition to online school for the remaining 3 weeks of school. It wasn't too much of a struggle transitioning, but it sure took a lot of self control to not pause some of my class' lectures, especially the boring ones. The only class that I never paused in was my physics elective lol. I loved how the syllabus slightly changed due to covid. I generally perform much better on assignments than I do on tests, so my marks will be in my favour! I loved the transition because I felt more in control of my schedule. I can sleep and wake up whenever I felt like it. I had time to relax and be productive all in one day. DEFINITELY do not miss transiting to school LOL.

I frankly was a bit shook about the rise in racism against asians that have been occurring lately, and witnessing it in person (did not happen directly to me on the bus) made me feel uncomfortable and scared for my own safety. It's sad to say but I was more scared of getting attacked by racists than the actual virus itself. It was part of the reason why I did not go to my last physics tutorial on the 13th.

But anyways, life has been nice so far. My mom has been home since her business isn't an essential business. My dad is still working though. Sister is home because schools will be closed until whatever date they keep proposing. I am a person who loves spending time at home but it feels a bit weird having to be more careful if I were to choose to go outside for groceries. For the few weeks after the transition to online, I have mainly been stressing over my assignments since they were so difficult. It felt really nice handing each final assignment. It felt weird and a bit unsatisfactory since I was basically done with the course. My last assignment happened to be for my statistics class, and it was due on the 22nd. Today is the 27th. It felt weird to have all this free time, not having to think about school anymore because I'm no longer a student. Well, I will be a student for one more year in September for my postgraduate studies, but after that, I cannot believe I will be done??? Hopefully.

I'm scared though, ever since reaching this point in my life. I feel this fear that creeps up because of my uncertainty regarding my future. I had my eyes set on this specific profession, but now I worry if that profession is considered important or significant anymore, especially with this virus thing going on. Seeing how the economy is right now just terrifies me. I checked my school email right before starting this blog post and was surprised to see my mentor emailing me regarding a potential reschedule. I didn't expect to hear from her ever again to be honest. I was a bit glad but am nervous.

Why did this (covid) have to happen on the year that I am finally done school? Sometimes when I think about it, it makes me feel full of resentment towards the existence of this virus. It brought out mainly negatives from the human population (racism, littering, selfishness), but there were some positives out of it (animals roaming the land again, pollution levels decreasing, strengthening relational bonds). I just can't believe that I am actually living through a pandemic right now. I would have never thought I would ever live through a major historical event.

I honestly did not know where I was going with this post. It feels so all over the place.

Oh! One positive that came out of this virus for me personally was getting to experience BTS' BANGBANGCON events. Basically last weekend, bighit hosted a 12 hour live stream on Friday night/morning and Saturday night/morning. Their livestream was basically paid content (their concerts, musters) offered for free during this time. I never went to an official concert yet but I view this as my first concert experience. Since it occured at 11pm my time, I was only able to experience two-ish concerts, but omg I loved it so much. BTS always starts off strong with their concerts making you all hyped, but then it becomes emotional and sad, especially when they start giving their emotional goodbye speeches. That weekend made me realize how much I love this group with all my heart. It was also a nice sunshine from my misery of completing my final statistics assignment thats for sure. For my upcoming IRL concert experience for BTS, it will be rescheduled sadly. Originally, I was supposed to go out on May 31, but that won't be happening anytime soon sadly.

Today, there was major good news that I did not expect to happen. Another korean artist that I love, aka IU, is having a collab single with one member of BTS, yoongi!! I never thought the day would come where two of my favourite artists actually interacted. It never connected to me that they were both of the same year (1993)...

Going back to my undergraduate thoughts and feelings, I am not really bummed that I won't be having convocation. The only people that expressed desire to go there was my parents and my boyfriend. I personally didn't enjoy middle school graduation and highschool graduation, so I know for sure that I won't enjoy my undergrad graduation from uoft, especially since I will know of no one there. I was surprised to see so many of my graduating peers express the opposite opinion regarding the cancellation of the event. I find it really absurd that one 2-3 hour event can validate your entire struggle and experience at uoft. I find the uoft convocation is not representative of your actual experience here at this school. Well for me at least.

Thinking back, I don't really know what school I would have preferred to go to. People say that your undergrad experience is what you make of it. I don't think I was capable of enjoying it too much. It sucked being a commuter student. Most clubs and meetings were either too late, on weekends, or at times that conflicted with my schedule. There are nice people here, but there are also the ultra competitive ones that refuse to even lend you their lecture notes. I remember having a hard time transitioning in my first year. I honestly felt that I had some sort of depression in grade 12 to first year of undergrad. I was unenergetic and grumpy often. I cried often too. I was struggling hardcore with academics. I was sad and mad at myself for not being able to hold a part time job while studying. My part time job at that time was physically demanding, and resulted in me doing bad and dropping some of my fall term classes. I went through undergrad with the impression that I'm just weaker than my regular peers. I joined some study groups but it made me realize that I don't do well in groups since I feel inferior and dumb. I did make some wonderful friends from that calculus study group though, but I don't talk to them tooo often, just occasionally.

However, it started to brighten up in second year. I think I gained confidence in my ability to do well at this school thanks to my summer term of first year. I only took an intro to psy class, and then my calculus II class, but it provided me with more guidance to be honest. It was also nice to meet a caring professor that means well at this school for the first time. I feel that he impacted a part of my life here at uoft (best prof at this school). I was happy to find that if I worked hard, I can do well at this school. I was happy that I fell back on track with the number of credits needed to be considered a second year student here. I earned my first A- here, which I thought I could never get here at uoft. Before entering here, I had an ex-bff who claimed that I should get used to just getting 60s here. Yes the professor does aim to get the class average to be that low, but it is possible to do better. My goal was to always get a higher mark than the average. The class average is very indicative of what can happen in the next test/assignment.

Yes I had a miserable time in multivariable calculus and intro to computer programming class in my second year because of how stupid I was, but overall I was doing better at balancing my school work. I learned that my perfect course load balance is just 4 courses per term, and that it is ok to only take 4 courses. Not everyone took the full 5 course load, and it took me a while to accept that. I realized that I am not good at computer science (python). I cried for every assignment BUT this was one of the rare classes where I basically attended every single office hour. Overall an enjoyable experience thanks to the amazing professor and TAs. I made a friend in my calculus class and it felt nice knowing that I wasn't the only one struggling in the class. I learned that people are good at hiding their true emotions right after the exam. I felt like a piece of shet after every calc test, but talking to my friend made me feel a bit better. Also, going on reddit made me realize that I'm the same as anyone else. I joined the reddit for uoft at the end of my first year because I felt that it gave me more of a guidance for choosing some courses to take. I learned more about how some areas worked at our school which was nice. In my winter term of second year, I built the confidence to participate in the drop-in group fitness classes. It wasn't scary at all. I mainly enjoyed the zumba classes with this one instructor because she made it fun but hard. Sadly I never gained the courage to participate in the aquatics classes or drop-in lane swimming...

By the end of my second year, I actually applied for a research assistant position in a cognition lab in the summer and got accepted. It made me realize that I can improve in my interviews, but I can do well. It made me realize that sometimes marks don't matter. I sometimes wonder what my lab manager thought when she looked through my transcript. My first year marks were overall terrible. It also made me realize that people actually see your work and effort. I was happy everytime a fellow research assistant or my lab manager complimented me on something I accomplished. I loved it. I guess I love attention?? What I also learned from getting accepted to this position was that I can balance work and studies. My lab did not demand for me to work 20 hours + for shifts. My job that I had in first year always demanded me to come in whenever I did not have class. They claimed that they understood I was in school and cared, but giving the excuse that you had homework just did not cut it back then. This lab position was more lenient and understanding. I was amazed to even find out that I can take weeks off for exam week or assignments. I didn't do it often but only when I needed it (always that one week in October and February).

Now entering my third year, I admit I felt lost and more scared of what I was going to do after school. At this point, I knew that I wanted to go in a field relating to my majors, but also avoid math since I am just terrible in proofs. I had the knowledge that grad school cared about 3rd year and 4th year marks the most, so it motivated me to work harder and strive for higher marks. My marks did improve, but sadly tanked in my 3rd year winter term. I was struggling in my 3rd year stats class, and taking on hard psychology classes did not help. I didn't really make any new friends this year though, but I was ok with that. I liked being alone. Sometimes I reconnected with my old highschoool friend since we take electives together here at uoft. Love her a lot! I think we only took 3 classes together. The only major change in 3rd year was how my lab worked. Initially it was bustling and full of people, but then my lab supervisor (Dr.) went into retirement. She is a part time researcher but she was no longer a faculty member at uoft, so there were rumours that our lab was going to close. We lost a lot of members unfortunately, one of which was my most favourite (though I did not stay in contact). Our lab did get moved but we share a space with another lab now. It felt uncomfortable and hard to adjust.

Entering summer after my 3rd year, I was officially recognized as a 4th year student because I somehow caught up in my credits early! That was a minor accomplishment that I was proud of myself. A visit with my doctor made me a bit more scared about my future, which led to me applying for my first official "work" position. That's right, an actual paying job. I honestly did not expect to get accepted anywhere since my resume was lacking, but I did! My experience there was lovely and made me delve into an area that I will be interested in working in in the future. I ended up carrying on with the job in my final year. It was a bit difficult to balance the job + lab + school work but I managed to do it! I was proud of myself, and happy with how I changed from my first year self. I am ultra thankful for my kind and lenient supervisors who were understanding that I was a uni student. There are sometimes those weeks where it was impossible to do anything but school. Just that one hell week. These positions made me realize how trash my first work experiences were. I made a friend through my coworker and she is lovely. I stay in contact with them too. We ended up working together for like 9 months.

Academically wise for my whole 4th year (summer + fall + winter), I was doing amazing. The only terrible marks I had was honestly for my upper year courses required for my statistics minor. I didn't cry for courses anymore at this point but I was stressed often. I lack the brain for statistics sometimes. Looking at my transcript makes me sometimes happy. I'm not a 4.0 student, but I improved a lot. Maybe I understand how this school works by now, and know what to do.

I guess I would say that I enjoyed my time here at uoft. It could have been better, but I did what I could. I feel that some of the experiences here morphed me into something that is closer to what I wanted to be. I am grateful to have met the people I met. I wish to be like them in the future. Maybe my first year self would say I regret coming here, but I wouldn't exactly say that now. I feel a bit indifferent about this school but I am fond of it. It will definitely feel weird having to attend a different school in September though.

I guess this post ended up with a summary of my feelings that I can think of??? Maybe this is a great way to end off my undergraduate studies. My way of ending it on a satisfying note?? Thanks for reading. I have to update my website's about me section now since I am graduating :).

Here are the last photos I ever took of "campus". The first image was actually taken at the Queens park station waiting area, but the image itself is facing university avenue. The second image is just a picture of the side of uoft campus. It was taken during a bad snow fall that day (February 7).

I wish I had taken a selfie or something at uoft somewhere...why am I just not photogenic on campus or in general?!?!

I cannot believe it took me an hour 10 mins just to write all this out.

Until then!! Please covid-19 go away.

#thoughts #update #school