Times of Demotivation and Discouragement

Hello!

I just felt like writing tonight. Lately I've been feeling really demotivated and discouraged, as my title suggests. This feeling has been present for a while now but yesterday it culminated in me having a huge sob session because...I guess...I was at my limit? You know when you encounter something that would be considered as minor but since your "bottle of stress and emotions" was already at its limit, it all overpours? Yeah I was experiencing something like that.

For the past few months, I've been pretty stressed regarding finding a co-op for the summer, since I need to have one to graduate. Summer competition is fierce. I am thankful that my resume stood out for tons of companies but it definitely hurts with every rejection letter I get from companies that I either had or did not have an interview with. I thought I would have found a position by late February but here I am, mid March. I remember (reading back on my journal entries) back in January and February how I was so confident in getting this job position, even made it to the final round, only for the position to get cancelled because of business reasons lmao. That stung. I remember I was dazed the entire day because I thought it was such an ideal "first co-op experience". For example, this position would get me direct experience in one of the HR fields that I am interested in. This position was offered by a well-known company. This position was PAID. This position was also located at a nice commute-time away from my home. It was ideal...what a bummer. I've always been checking their website because it would be nice to work with them.

Along the way, I got to interview with plenty of companies of various industries and sectors. I was stunned to get interview offers from big tech companies, but it was clear through the interviews that I was not a good fit for the organization, or I lacked the knowledge necessary for some advanced roles (usually relating to HR analytics). From that particular interview and during the time I studied for that role, it kind of invoked an interest in me because I never heard of such a position existing before, and it is more on the analytical side...something of my interest. For sure, it is now one of my top areas to work in when I am older, more experienced, and have more knowledge using the required computer software. I was happy to see HR become more data-driven in some of these companies for sure. Of course, I got rejected from those too.

Just recently aka in beginning of March, I got a bit more interviews but one of them was from a BIG company that I would have never thought I'd even get an interview offer from! At that time, I didn't really know what Deloitte was until a week prior when a few presenters from Deloitte came to talk about their field and the company. Anyways, I was stunned. Though I learned from the presentation that the field of HR consulting seemed pretty...no-life (no work life balance) and I knew that was just not for me. Long work hours...and during peak times, you can work up to 80 hours per week?? LMAO. That's funny. But anyways, for this interview offer, it was for an HR coordinator position in a field of my interest: TOTAL REWARDS. I studied the whole day prior to my interview because I really wanted to get this position. It would have been really ideal. Despite me being really prepared for the interview, the one thing I clearly lacked (only found out during the interview) was my excel knowledge. The interviewers were so nice and friendly. It sucks that I won't be able to work with them. I honestly never heard of Excel Macros before. I knew of macros only because of my gaming life LOL but I didnt know that stuff existed in Excel. Anyways, when they asked specifically what functions and macros I knew, I fucked up because I literally said "sum...multiply???". Yeah. Literally. MULTIPLY??? LOL LOLAFJD THAT DOESNT EXIST AS A FUNCTION LMAO. So yeah that was it. No surprise that this morning (a week and a half later from the interview) that I got the formal rejection letter lmao.

Anyways, right now, I'm waiting for 4 co-op offers this week. I really hope I do get it. They're all from the same sector...hospitals...and of course, it is unpaid :). What did I expect anyways. But if I do get these positions, I would be grateful. I felt that I did well in all of the interviews. I was not nervous at that point because I think I already had more than 10 interviews. The most nervous I ever felt was the Blackberry one for sure (toughest interview I ever had) and Deloitte too. Though...it would especially hurt if I actually got rejected from all. After all, there is a lot of people applying to these positions. A lot of my classmates applied to these too Q_Q. I don't particularly have a top choice among those options...so at this point, I'm just aiming for the company name. It is sad to see through some of these interviews that this certain field within HR clearly sounds dead-end and boring. Barely any challenge. People working there just to work. I...don't want to end up like that. Which is why my ambition is to ultimately end up in the analytical side of HR where I get to work with lots of data. Like it wasn't until a month ago when I learned the existence of Power BI...which is such a cool tool!!

Oh but yeah. My productivity tanked since I guess Saturday? I was really productive on Friday and semi on Saturday. Sunday was a hard day to focus bc it was the grammys. Normally I never watch this shet show. But it was the time when BTS got nominated for top duo/group performance. I was so sure that they would have won...but no. And it was so disrespectful with this shet show to use BTS for clout and drag their performance to literally be the second last of the show...a whole 8 hours later from the pre-show. Fucking audacity. Watching BTS' reaction hurt...it really did. Watching the vlive after the event hurt. It was clear a lot of them wanted to reassure ARMY etc and I am grateful for that...but it hurt seeing some of their looks of sadness and disappointment. I felt a bunch of emotions at once. Ultimately led to me sobbing like crazy. I kinda avoided twitter for the next day. Seeing all their attempts to cheer us or distract us. I really love them. It was also satisfying to see lots of discussion and journal articles regarding BTS and the scammys. I knew the scammys was losing its relevancy and honestly, they deserve it. I'm so glad I never gave a view to them.

Anyways, it was hard to focus today. I was supposed to get a lot of stuff done today but I didn't. I'm kind of glad I was like 2 weeks ahead last week because I can afford the time to slack off I guess. But tomorrow, I will pick back up.

Anyways, there has been an instagram account that I look forward to seeing everyday. It's called Ketnipz. Their stories can be interactive sometimes and I just love the artist behind that character! I even downloaded some of their wallpapers and I just wanted to share my two favourite ones. :D I currently use one of them for my lock screen but I use a different one for my home screen. You can find these in their wallpaper section of their story highlights!! This account really does brighten my day, like other art accounts. I appreciate their existence.

I really love the second one aka the duvet one.

Other stuff that has been making me happy is just the usual: claireluvcat (korean youtuber who has 10 cats), bts, and genshin impact (pc/mobile game). My boyfriend too because he always senses my mood and cheers me up. Sometimes twitter, specifically army twitter.

Yeah that's how my life is so far in terms of school and I guess co-op searching. I have been starting to apply to full time positions but I don't know...wish me luck I guess.

Until then!