Forgive and Forget

Hello!! It's been a while since I last updated this blog. I hope you are doing well!

I felt like writing today because I sometimes think of this concept of "forgive and forget". It's a line that everyone has heard at least once in their lifetime, especially growing up in a predominately English language nation. This line comes up in my mind usually because of two reasons: (1) social media and (2) personal situations.

On social media, I always love to read through threads. My main go-to social is twitter, which I truly believe I can never live without haha. The beauty of twitter is that you get pulled in with the initial tweet, and when you click on the tweet itself, almost 99% of the times, there will be a thread (follow-up tweet from the original poster). For tweets that blew up a.k.a. went viral, it's guaranteed that there will be some replies from other twitter users too. Maybe it has to do with algorithms (which I don't mind at all) but I often agree with what some replies say. Whenever this concept of "forgive and forget" appears, I notice that there's usually a divide on people's belief regarding this. Some people truly follow this line in its entirety to their core. Others, may not.

Obviously, this all depends on the context of the situation. Most people wouldn't forgive someone if they did irreversible damage against themselves or their loved ones. But this will never be 100%, which is the beauty of choice and belief systems.

However, for those situations where your friend or family member wronged you, there is a divide that feels like it's a 50/50 on the whole "forgive and forget". I think this all depends on the context.

In my personal situations, there isn't many that I can remember, but I often go through the route of holding grudges...or that was what I thought I would be like. If someone has wronged me, I will usually get upset and distance myself. Sometimes I vocalize why I am upset, but depending on the matter at hand, vocalizing may accomplish nothing. Then months pass by. I still have feelings of hurt and anger. Usually around the year-or-so mark, I notice a shift in myself. Yes I do have feelings of hurt, but only hurt. The anger has went away. Probably because I am pre-occupied with other things happening in my life. But my mindset also changes to "why should I let this person live in my head for free". I know social media has a line where things live in your head "rent-free" haha.

Then as years past, I actually start to forget why I don't talk to someone anymore. It takes a while for me to try to remember what happens. And when those memories flow back, I just get feelings of "oh well, it is what it is". Strange right? Maybe it's the limitations of my own long-term memory lmao. But I also start to acknowledge the good aspects of that relationship sometimes (totally depends on the context of course). But there are still feelings of hurt because I guarantee you, I can get teary pretty easily if their names are brought up. Or sometimes feelings of anger too. But mostly feelings of hurt. I think this applies to my old friendship with my old best friend.

To give context, I had a friend that I probably considered as a best friend for a long time. We met in grade 1, but I truly felt we were best friends probably around the end of grade 6, then again in grade 9-12. I used to use the terms "friend" and "best friend" pretty loosely. But that's how I would see her. Our friendship ended roughly in summer of 2017 but for me personally, it soured on December 2016, and I didn't say anything, but it kinda burst out in the summer of 2017 because she tried to lie to me about something. I remember the events now and honestly, I don't really seek that friendship again.

Just a side note -- That relationship and a few other relationships that ended did impact me in the long-term when it comes to other relationships in my life though. I stay distant with a lot of my other friends I made throughout the years, which aren't many. But it's not exactly hard for those friends to pull that information out of me if they wanted to. But, they're an associate-level at best.

However, I did have some happy memories with her. I used to cry anytime she was brought up because I was that hurt about that friendship. Then I had this anger period. But over time, I look back with fondness. I still feel hurt deep down and that's just something a crying session can sometimes temporarily cure. It's just a forever wound to the heart. Sometimes I deny or lie to myself that I am not that hurt about it anymore. My last night self confirms this (I'm clearly still hurt about it and I just have to acknowledge and accept that it's ok to always feel hurt about it). Emotions are amazing.

She was a part of a lot of my teenage years. Some of my friends are still friends with her, and I understand sometimes since she didn't do anything wrong to them directly. Though as a result, sometimes I feel like distancing myself away from those friends too. Maybe it's better to remove self from the puzzle for my own mental health and for their friendship to prosper instead, is what I often think about when I do think about that friend group in general.

Regardless, throughout the past years and that relationship, I didn't really go through the entire process of "forgive and forget"...I think. I for sure forgot. Did I ever forgive? I don't really know. I know that she did wrong to me. If I ever saw my old best friend in public, I just treated her as if she's a stranger. I know I'll never say hi first, but if she says hi first, I wouldn't ignore her.

I think I'll always say "I don't know" to whether I actually forgave or not. My boyfriend says that deep down, I have already forgiven her -- it's just my pride not letting myself admit it. He said it in better words than I did here lol. But what he said validated the complex feelings I felt.

That's how I dealt with that personal situation. Not that easy emotionally-wise haha. Half a decade later and it still impacts me.

It's maybe easier to do that "forgive and forget" thing with friendships and other non-family members because I originally chose them to be in my life. We're not related by blood. Not much pressure from anyone to "save and repair this relationship". But when a family member wronged you, you get hit with tons of pressure from other family members, sometimes even your associates. It's usually:

• they're family! they're different from friends and how I should always forgive and forget

• family members going up to you and crying because they don't want to see what was once a good relationship turn sour

• the situation is negatively impacting the family, how they feel hurt and sad

• family members talking about how it will result in lonely life, how you always need someone

• how they'll always be my *whatever relationship they are to me*

All valid points.

I was met with those points pretty recently this past month. I personally hate it. I don't see why family and friends should ever be differentiated. However, I do know that most people believe in "family over friends". It's something I probably just have to accept. Context matters of course. In general, family is unconditional and you grew up with them. They typically don't hold grudges but forgive and move on (based on what I observe from my parents). However, friends tend to keep a mental list of all wrongs/grudges before ending a friendship.

This family situation I'm kind of dealing with is hard because I actually live in the same household, so I get pressured almost everyday whether it is verbal or non-verbal. I also get even more upset at the fact that I have to take into consideration of others' feelings over my own. How about how I feel? Why should I be pressured to "forgive and forget" based on the family's feelings? Why is everyone projecting their feelings on to me? Just because you're sad about the situation, doesn't mean that I am too??

It's times like this where I have been having lots of thoughts of moving out. I just wish Toronto was more affordable and safe.

I'm not necessarily mad or upset at the person. They did a wrong yes and apparently I did a wrong too. Feelings were acknowledged and I believe I apologized. But it wasn't that particular situation that made me upset -- more so the treatment I got from this household ever since. Why am I the person that is always tasked to forgive and forget, make the first move etc? I literally did this almost my whole life. Why are the situations so different? Is it because I am the elder? The more responsible one? The quiet and obedient one?

Why should I be the person that has to bend over backwards for someone that is apparently too embarrassed to "make the first move".

I know exactly my stance on this whole situation when it comes to the "forgive and forget" line. Maybe over time, I will forget this incident. But when the memories come back, will I forgive? I don't know.

This concept of "forgive and forget" is something I'll never like. Yes it was made with good intentions maybe, to prevent someone's soul from suffering. I do see the benefits of that. However, I can find it a bit toxic sometimes because you're expected to do that all the time, no matter how badly someone has wronged you.

As I age, I notice that my opinions on this topic hasn't really changed as much. But how I actually act in real life made me rethink my stance on this line in general. It all depends on the situation.

If you're wondering how my feelings have been like this whole month, it's been nothing but disappointment and annoyance. I'll see how this situation goes, but I personally don't think I can ever forget this nor forgive my family members for their pressure.

All of this for some so-called family harmony lmao. As long as the family is happy, I should be happy? LMAO. My family is overall great, not toxic or anything. But the one quality I dislike about them is how they'll go through such great lengths to keep family harmony no matter how wrong someone wronged you. I guess that can build a stronger family though.

Anyways, thank you for listening!!! This post was mainly my solo way of processing my emotions.