Sad Vibes: Loneliness

Have you ever felt that feeling of loneliness?

Well, sometimes I get that feeling.

The first time I ever got that feeling, was when I was 5. It was understandable, since day by day, I was spending my day in my house doing my stuff while my uncle was sleeping (he works night time shifts so he was basically my babysitter). There was no one else to talk to. I used to have some friends that came over but they all moved to different neighbourhoods and I never saw most of them in person ever again.

There used to be this girl who used to live in the first floor of my house (her family was renting it), so I was used to hanging out with her on the daily...she moved when I was entering senior kindergarten (my grandparents and aunt was immigrating to Canada, and we needed the space for them to live in the house, as there were limited amount of bedrooms upstairs). I was kinda heartbroken about it because she was what I considered my best friend at that time, even though we fought DAILY. She was too similar to me. ~_~

Wasn't exactly an interesting childhood since then...it was mainly filled with me and the TV. Maybe some roleplaying with all my toys and me running around the house sometimes. Summer always went by soo slowly.

Zoom all the way to present day me. I never ever got a lonely feeling. I had a couple of friends. I also liked being alone sometimes too.

I never was a fan of having too much friends because maintaining relationships are a lot of work. It requires a lot of effort on both sides.

Though, ever since the last last year of my highschool aka my victory lap, I started to get that lonely feeling. It was odd...but now I understand why.

Anyways, a lot of stuff happened during that time. I was also really stressed, but I didn't notice it. I did change a lot in that time period, which resulted in me becoming a terrible person honestly.

That scarred me til this day. It made me not open to becoming friends with anyone else. Entered university with zero intent of making friends too.

Zoom to a few months later. One somewhat major event (I tried to act that it's not major, but I was so hurt over it).

Well, it is kinda depressing to learn that your best friend was never really a best friend. I threw around that term too loosely. But that event did affect me a lot. I even started to question if the people I had left were all really worth it.

My social skills kinda went down the drain EVEN MORE after that. I can't barely hold up a conversation anymore. I can barely even start a conversation outside of the typical. I ACTUALLY GET A BIT NERVOUS WHEN I'M TALKING?? That's not normal.

At the same time, I'm dealing with the fact that I have little interest in getting to know people too. My mind keeps thinking, "Why should I put in effort for someone that may not be worth it? All the energy used would have been wasted." Half of me is like that, but at the same time, I WANT to meet new people.

For the people that I was close with, I don't even talk as much to them anymore (both IRL and online). IRL, I avoid human contact a lot, especially in social outings.

I'm a person that talks a lot by nature though...I do talk a lot overall to the people that I feel are worth it, but I can literally count all those people on one hand.

I find it really unusual that I have lack of interest, and actually worry about what to say next. That's just not how I usually am.

When I do think about all of this, I start to get sad and think that I have almost no one truly close to me. It kind of makes me think that life can be so depressing sometimes.

Oh, another insecurity that I feel affects my confidence in speaking with others and forming relationships with them: I truly think that I am perceived as a boring person.

I don't know.

I started this post with one intent aka to talk about this feeling of loneliness I got...but somehow it led to me discussing about my current flaws and qualities. It doesn't even flow nicely when I read back on it. Whatever.

Until then.

#rant #thoughts #updates